Two fortnights that changed it all ...

I THOUGHT I was a very positive person, till I encountered the first real challenge in my grown up life. My mother – who had not been keeping very well for some time – was diagnosed with tonsillar cancer in August last year.

It took exactly 15 days to completely change everything that was happening in our family. And my life.

It couldn’t have come at a worse time. I was all set to make a big career move which meant relocating to a different country, working for a very large corporation and handling a role which would be a dream one. But those 15 days changed it all. I couldn’t do anything that I had planned, dreamt and wanted to.

I was shattered. I was cursing myself. I was resenting being stuck in the situation. All the dreams I had thought of coming true after I would relocate would now continue to remain a dream. Every day started looking like a curse. What made matters worse was the worsening condition of my mother due to side effects of the chemotherapy. Why did this happen to me? was the question I went around asking everyone. What wrong did I do?

That is when a senior colleague and friend of mine handed me a book – You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. “A book at this juncture of my life? How could it even help me or change me?” was what I asked myself.

Reluctantly, and without any real hope of anything happening, I started reading the book. And that is when the miracle happened.

I could relate to every page of the book. Every incident, every anecdote, every situation seemed to be exactly what had happened to me. And that is when my process of change started.

The first change that happened to me was my love for myself. I realised that I did not love myself at all. I had a very not-so-good opinion of myself! If I saw a good music system in the store which was expensive, I would think this is too expensive for me. It is for someone else. If it was an expensive car, then it would be for the rich and famous! A good house, would similarly, be for the crème-de-la-crème of the society. Then what was it that was for me? All the bad things in life?

Little wonder I never managed to get the best and always had to be satisfied with the second or the third grade stuff.

The second realisation that dawned upon me was that I was always putting conditions to my dream. If I wanted to learn to play the guitar, the pre-condition was once I get ‘settled’. Because the definition of ‘settled’ was changing, I never managed to start learning the guitar.

Louise Hay made me realise why it was not getting completed – firstly because I did not love myself enough and secondly because I was putting pre-conditions to everything!

The algorithm was like this – once I relocate overseas, I will save enough money; once I save enough money I will move into a nicer apartment; once I move into a nicer apartment, I will decorate it; once I decorate it, I will start living life properly; once I start living life, I will learn to play the guitar; once I learn to play the guitar, I will be happier….The list continued. And every dream of mine had a pre-condition. Thus, nothing materialised. They remained dreams.

Just like a fortnight changed it all for the worse after my mother was diagnosed with cancer; the next fortnight changed it all for the better, once I started loving myself. My next post will be on how I did that.

In hindsight, I thank the Universe for making me go through this.